Let Her Go
by Lothiriel84
Summary: Only know you love her when you let her go. - AU-ish. Set before, during, and right after 6x09 and 6x10, so it clearly contains spoilers for those episodes. Written for The Mentalist Big Bang at mentalist bb. A huge thank you to my artist kathiann and to my beta Miss Peg, who also helped me develop the plot. Cover image courtesy of kathiann.
1. Chapter 1

When he was young his mother used to tell him he was the brains of the family. As likely as not she expected him to go to college and become a lawyer or a doctor; she was sorely disappointed when he started working as a carpenter instead. He loved creating things with his own hands, and repairing broken pieces of furniture; even inanimate objects deserved a second chance, and he took pleasure in admiring his own handiwork.

His choice proved to be the right one when his mother fell ill about the same time his father ran away with another woman. For years Ryan was the only support to his family, and a surrogate father to his younger sister Jenny; then their mother died, and the relationship between the two siblings turned more and more difficult. Even though Jenny was a young woman now, he still worried about her fractious temper and her devil-may-care attitude.

Still he knew he had to let her live her own life; she wasn't his daughter, and he couldn't make decisions for her. All he could do was offer a supportive shoulder when she needed it, or give her a severe reprimand when she behaved more recklessly than usual. In the meanwhile, he chose to channel his energy into his job; he was now a joiner, and quite a good one according to his clients. Working with his hands always helped him to relax, it was the best way to clear his mind and distract himself from whatever frustration and anxiety life could throw upon him.

Jenny had taken to drinking a bit too much of late; he had warned her time and time again about the risks of such disgraceful conduct, but she stubbornly refused to see reason. Ryan wasn't exactly surprised when his sister called him late one evening, and tearfully told him she had been stopped for drunk driving. The new police chief was really understanding; she allowed him to take Jenny back home, on the condition that he was going to look after her until she was sober again. It wasn't in her power to drop the charges, and anyway he agreed that it was time his sister faced the consequences of her actions.

He stayed at Jenny's until the morning; she felt so sick she vowed she was never going to have a drop of alcohol again, but Ryan knew better than to trust her promises when it came to the matter at hand. Later that day Chief Lisbon stopped by to check on them; he was touched that she was taking so much interest in his sister, though it didn't take him long to figure out the reasons for it.

The chief insisted on having a word with Jenny; she said that her own mother had died in a drunk driver accident, and her family had fallen apart as a consequence. Her father had taken up drinking, turning her and her brothers' lives into a living hell until he eventually killed himself.

Jenny seemed genuinely upset at her words, even more so because it was clear that the woman was being completely honest with her. In the end she agreed to seek help, and he felt a heavy burden falling off his chest at long last. He heartily thanked Chief Lisbon, though she waved it off as a part of her duty; however, he knew only too well that their previous police chief wouldn't have bothered to do anything of the kind, and that meant a lot to him.

A few days later, when he happened to pass her by on his way home, he offered her a smile and asked her in for a coffee.

"Sure. Why not?" she agreed amiably, and soon enough they were deep in conversation. Both of them had had their fair share of troubles in their past, but that had only made them stronger in the long run.

He immediately figured out she was of Irish descent, just like him; she was also a Catholic, something she had in common with his late mother. She told him about her three younger brothers, how she'd practically raised them – therefore learning most of her leadership skills straight on the field. Ryan told him about his sister; how she'd always been a troubled soul, resenting their father for running away on them and their mother's untimely death.

It felt like ages since the last time he'd enjoyed himself so much; he wasn't really a friendly sort of man, and none of the women he'd briefly been involved with had ever truly understood him. Teresa Lisbon did, however, and he was looking forward to seeing her again.

Given the fact she had no family or acquaintances there – she'd come over from California about a year ago, while her family came from Chicago – she seemed more than happy to spend her time with someone who had so much in common with her. She led a fairly solitary life, and he could tell she missed her life in California. There was probably more to it than met the eye, but for the time being he was determined to simply enjoy her company.

They dated for a while, though neither of them ever said the word out loud; until one evening he drove her back home, and she invited him in for a drink. The morning found them curled up together in her bed, a warm smile tugging at his lips as she traced invisible patterns on his skin.

"Good morning," he murmured huskily, meeting her lips for a gentle embrace. She smiled back affectionately, and he knew that right then he was the luckiest man on earth.

Teresa was the best thing that could have happened to him, and he would make sure he wasn't going to let her go anytime soon. He just hoped she felt the same way about him; though he was a good judge of people he still found her a bit of an enigma, and that only sought to intrigue him further.

As long as she was his, he didn't care about whatever secrets she might chose to keep from him.


	2. Chapter 2

For the first time in years he was truly happy. Jenny was seeing a therapist, as the first necessary step towards quitting the bottle. The fact that he'd just moved in with Teresa, and things were going well meant that he couldn't be happier.

He couldn't help but admire her strength and determination; her investigative skills were actually wasted in such a small and quiet town, but he was secretly thankful he'd been given the chance to meet her that way. She was still reluctant to tell him about her time at the CBI; rumors about the scandal of a secret criminal organization that involved many a member of that agency – and its director as well – had reached the state of Washington too, tough he'd never really paid attention to such news. It took her a few months to open up to him, and admit that she'd played a big part in taking down the aforementioned organization led by a serial killer; that was something she should be proud of, but he understood that after the FBI disbanded the agency she wasn't exactly keen on dwelling on her previous career.

After a few months her ex-colleagues, Wayne and Grace came to visit, it was obvious she missed working with them. She'd allowed him to join them for dinner, where he heard stories about the things they'd done together at work, how Kimball Cho was working for the FBI and that none of them had heard from Patrick Jane. They were just names to Ryan, but he could tell how much Teresa cared for them, like some surrogate family, especially Jane. The way she spoke about him was different.

Her three brothers called regularly, and they wrote her letters as well; however, they lived at the other end of the country and seldom had the chance to visit their big sister. Teresa was trying to arrange a reunion for the next Christmas, but she wasn't really sure any of them would actually come; each of them had their respective families now, and she didn't want to ruin anybody's plans anyway.

It was only when he found her curled up on her couch reading a letter that wasn't one of her brothers' – a nostalgic smile playing on her face – that he finally got to hear the story of Patrick Jane. Apparently the man had spent ten years of his life chasing the serial killer that had brutally murdered his family, putting Teresa's career (maybe even her life) in jeopardy because of his drive for revenge. Their friendship seemed to have been running deeper than Teresa herself was willing to admit; he believed her when she said that the two of them had never been involved and yet, he had a feeling there was more to it than met the eye at first.

You don't keep putting your life constantly on the line for someone you're not a little bit in love with; Teresa might not have realized it at the time, but her relationship with her former consultant was quite unusual to say the least. She was a cop through and through, but she'd been more than willing to bend the law for her friend's sake; and though she didn't approve of him killing his enemy, that hadn't been enough reason for her to give up on him.

As likely as not the man had been a little bit in love with Teresa as well, though he was too set on his personal goal to ever act on it. It was truly terrible that he'd lost his family in such a way, but that didn't excuse him for constantly disregarding the feelings of those who actually cared about him; the only reward his friends had received for their help had been losing their jobs, though they'd mercifully been cleared from all the charges against them.

In a way it was a relief that this Patrick Jane was currently hiding in a remote island somewhere in South America; had he been still around, Ryan would probably regard him as a rival for Teresa's affections. And while he trusted her, he didn't really trust a conman that had spent his life turning every situation to his advantage; Jane might have been genuinely fond of Teresa, but the hard cold truth was that he'd also used her for his purposes, and that was something utterly selfish in Ryan's opinion.

Teresa was too selfless a person to see it that way, and he admired her for it. She was always ready to help other people, to forgive them even when they didn't deserve it in the slightest; he wasn't really a believer anymore, but if there was indeed a Kingdom of Heaven then his little Saint Teresa surely had her own place up there.

"Stop calling me that," she said, hitting him playfully. She always warned him whenever he used the nickname he'd only heard about of late. He just couldn't help it; she was so beautiful when she was angry – or rather pretended to be.

Their playful arguments regularly ended up with her lithe body pinned beneath his own, on the comfortable couch in front of her fireplace; for a Catholic girl she was naughty enough when she wanted to be, and that was something he loved about her.

"What do you want to be called then?" he teased her as he slowly undid the buttons of her blouse. A mischievous glint sparkled in her green eyes, and she abruptly flipped their positions to that he was now lying beneath her. Her deceptively petite frame didn't do justice to her strength, and he wouldn't want to be in the shoes of any of the criminals she'd tackled in the past.

"Just Teresa," she said before finding his lips again.

"Alright then, Just Teresa."

"Are you twelve?" she huffed as he kissed her back. If he were to die right now, then he would most definitely die a happy man.


	3. Chapter 3

Their little bubble of happiness started to show some fractures as soon as Patrick Jane set foot in the US once more. The FBI immediately summoned Teresa to Austin, Texas – all Ryan could do was keep his mouth shut lest he say something he might regret later on.

However, Teresa was back sooner than he was expecting; it looked like Mr. Jane was being more stubborn than the FBI had taken into account, and given the circumstances there was no need for her presence in the immediate future.

"So," he said as they were sharing a bottle of wine in front of her fireplace. "How was your stay in Texas?"

"Quite short, actually. Agent Abbott wasn't really inclined to buy Jane's antics, and the idiot would rather go to detention than accept the terms proposed by the FBI."

He bit back a dry remark that was dancing on the tip of his tongue. Teresa was clearly upset over her friend's fate, and he didn't want to turn the knife.

"I'm sorry, darling."

"Never mind," she all but shrugged, taking another sip of wine. "I don't know why he thought the FBI would fall in with his demands in the first place."

Silence fell as each of them followed their own train of thoughts. Ryan wondered why the man had bothered to come back to the US at all, until curiosity got the better of him at last.

"What did he want?" he asked noncommittally as he poured himself another glass.

"Most of his demands were just nonsense. All charges dropped – along with a trailer, a couch, and adequate supplies of tea."

However, the faint hint of blush on her cheeks promptly caught his attention. "And?"

Teresa shrugged again. "He wanted me to work with him."

The fire in front of them provided him with the perfect excuse to get up, and therefore conceal his reaction. "So he did, didn't he?"

"I can't believe he didn't even bother to ask me. He doesn't get to make that decision without me."

Deep down Ryan wasn't entirely sure about it; but he decided he would give her the benefit of the doubt, at least for the time being. "Well, now he has plenty of time to think about it. Perhaps he'll change his mind after a few weeks behind bars."

He could tell by the look on Teresa's face that she highly doubted it; quite frankly he couldn't care less whether this man wanted to rot in jail, but it still hurt to see her so sad because of it.

Neither of them ever brought up the subject again in the following months. He knew Teresa kept on writing letters to her friend, though the FBI always sent them back unopened; but she was slowly settling back to her usual routine, and he hoped that that would be the end of it.

Then Agent Fischer showed up, urging Teresa to go down to Austin for the second time in just three months. Of course she couldn't but fall in for the FBI's request; they had made it a matter of national security, but he doubted that Teresa would have refused either way.

"You go because you want to go," he accused her not so subtly. "You always have to run to his side, you just can't help it."

She stared at him aghast. "Jane's my friend, of course I want to help him. It's not like the FBI gave me much of a choice anyway."

"Are you seriously going to be at his beck and call for the rest of your life?"

Teresa looked him straight in the eyes. "Ryan, stop it. This is a one-time thing, I've made that clear with the FBI."

"If you say so," he shot back defiantly. However, she simply shook her head and walked away; while he stood there, feeling as if a chasm had suddenly opened beneath his feet. Teresa was the best thing that had ever happened to him, he didn't want to lose her to a man who didn't deserve her in the slightest.

When she called to tell him that Jane had escaped, he almost drew a breath of relief. He'd just come to the point where he wished that the FBI would lock up the guy and throw away the key, so that they weren't going to hear from him again. Even when Jane turned himself up he was still hopeful that they wouldn't let him get away with it this time around.

"At least you solved the case," he said by way of a peace offering as he drove her back from the airport.

"Yeah," she replied softly, and it was apparent that she was still thinking of her friend.

"How was it – working with him again, I mean?"

"A nightmare, seriously. The FBI don't know how lucky they are that he refuses to work with them."

The hint of a smile crept to his lips, and they spent the rest of the drive in silence. Each of them was back to where they belonged – Teresa to Washington, and her friend to a detention suite; he clung to the hope that that was enough for the two of them to get on with their life as it was previous to Patrick Jane's return.

That evening they had dinner with Jenny, who was celebrating her first month without alcohol. Teresa seemed genuinely happy to see her; she'd come to regard the young woman as her own sister, and they spent a nice evening together. If he tried hard enough Ryan could pretend they really were a family, and that was something he had to make sure would happen one day.

He'd thought things through while she was in Austin, and had decided he was going to propose to her in the near future. Not yet though – they both needed time to adjust to the idea, and he didn't want to scare her away or anything. In the meanwhile he would just pretend that Patrick Jane never existed, so that he and Teresa could pick up the threads of their relationship right where they'd left it.


	4. Chapter 4

The bubble finally burst when Teresa received a job offer from the FBI. It seemed that Patrick Jane had eventually got the right leverage, and bribed them into accepting his own terms; that was the moment Ryan had been dreading all along, for he knew that he didn't have a chance in hell against that charming bastard.

And he surely didn't have the heart to ask her to overlook a promising career with the FBI in favor of dying of boredom in a small town where her detective skills were of little to no use.

"There's nothing for me here," she admitted. "I loved the quiet at first, but it gets tiresome after a while."

"If you want to go, I won't stop you," he told her at last. "This is your life, you have to make your own decisions."

"We can make it work," she countered stubbornly. "I can stay in Austin when they need me, and come back here whenever I get the chance."

The fact that she wasn't taking the easy way out of their relationship gave him a thin thread of hope to cling onto. He promised he would give them a chance, and he was secretly planning to visit her as soon as she was settled in Austin. That also gave him the chance to finally look his rival straight in the eyes; there was an engagement ring sitting in his pocket, and he would give it to Teresa as soon as he got proof positive that she wasn't pining after her friend anymore.

Otherwise, he would have to admit defeat and get out of her life for good.

He wasn't sure what he was expecting, but Patrick Jane was nothing like it. The man that was standing beside Teresa looked more like a lost puppy than the conniving bastard he was picturing; and while he didn't doubt that Jane could be utterly arrogant and selfish most of the time, he seemed to genuinely care for the friend that had stuck to him for so long.

When Teresa introduced him as her boyfriend, a flash of pain crossed the man's features; it was only a moment, then Jane flashed a dazzling smile and stepped forward to shake his hand. That was when Ryan knew he had lost; he wouldn't have minded if Jane had tried to irk him or make him uncomfortable, but the fact that he'd decided to behave spoke volumes about the real nature of his feelings for Teresa.

Jane didn't want to upset her, while Teresa looked nothing but embarrassed for no clear reason; her heart still belonged to him – it always would, even though she herself wasn't aware of it yet.

That didn't mean Ryan would give up on her so easily. He knew it was a shot in the dark, but he still had to try; her eyes widened in surprise when he went down on his knees in the middle of a restaurant, and presented her with the ring he'd kept with him for so long.

"Why now?" was all she managed to say, and he took a deep breath to steady himself.

"I love you, Teresa. Come away with me. We can go wherever we want – just not here."

"You said you wouldn't stop me. This is my life, Ryan."

"We're in this together. You can't honestly ask me to play second fiddle to your precious friend for the rest of my life."

She blinked repeatedly, as if she couldn't believe her own ears. "Are you really jealous of Jane of all people?"

"Can you blame me for that? We're together, and yet he's closer to you than I will ever be."

"I've known him for over a decade, that's all. If you can't even trust me –"

He shook his head sadly. "I do trust you. But you've been living in denial for too long, it's time for you to open your eyes."

"Is this an ultimatum, or what?"

"I asked you to marry me. It's a yes or no question, Teresa. Take it, or leave it."

Tears filled her eyes now, and he hated himself for that; still they couldn't keep postponing the inevitable, that would only make it harder in the end. He should have addressed the matter a long time ago, therefore sparing the two of them a lot of unneeded pain.

"I can't marry you. Not yet, not in this way."

"I see," he murmured flatly, and knew it was all over. Jenny's therapist had once said that the best thing we could do for our loved ones was let them go, no matter how much it hurt us; he guessed that was exactly what he had to do now, so that Teresa could finally get the happiness she deserved.

All this time he'd been willingly shutting his eyes to the fact that she'd never really belonged to him in the first place. Patrick Jane owned so much space in her heart it was nearly impossible for anyone else to get their own place in there; and while Teresa had been genuinely fond of him, he had to admit he wasn't able to make her as happy as he wished he could.

Slowly he put the ring back into his pocket, then placed a gentle kiss on her brow. "I hope you find what you're looking for my dear."

Teresa instinctively leaned into his embrace; he had to gather all his strength to eventually pull away, and turn his back to her one last time. There was no way he would ever find another woman like her, but he would learn to live with it in time.

Jenny was going to call him names for letting go the woman he loved; however, it was exactly because he loved her that he had to do it. Now there was just one thing he needed to take care of before heading back home; there was a certain someone who needed to understand what a lucky bastard he was, and that he definitely wouldn't get away with breaking Teresa's heart once more.


	5. Chapter 5

Patrick Jane only raised a questioning eyebrow as he opened the door to his trailer. It wasn't fair that certain people always got whatever they wanted; but then the man had probably had more than his fair share of heartbreak already, and he was not going to judge whether it was deserved or not.

"We have to talk," he announced, and Jane promptly let him in.

"Do you want some tea?" the man asked in a neutral tone. Ryan was acutely aware of that piercing gaze searching for an answer in his body language; once again he decided he didn't care, and went straight to the point.

"I asked Teresa to marry me," he said abruptly, and indulged in the small pleasure of having his rival on tenterhooks for the briefest of moments. "She said she couldn't do it."

Jane furrowed his brow. "You have to give her time. She's a control freak, and changes always upset her. I'm sure she'll come around eventually."

That was when he realized he'd come there looking for a fight, and yet wasn't going to get one anytime soon. Most of his anger fell off his shoulders, as if melting in front of the other man's quiet despair.

"She won't. She's never going to love me the way she loves you."

A humorless laughter fell from Jane's lips. "We're just good friends, that's all."

"You're two of a kind, you know – always living in denial."

He honestly had no idea how the two of them had managed to dance around each other for over a decade, craving the other's presence and yet keeping them at arm's length all the time. That was the closest to platonic love he'd ever got to know, though he was sure it would have been far from that under different circumstances.

"There's only one woman I've really loved," Jane murmured, his fingers nervously playing with his wedding band. "She's been dead for twelve years now."

"Some of us can love more than just one woman in their lifetime. And while you're surely a good liar, I can't see the use of lying to yourself – or to Teresa for that matter."

Jane simply turned his back to him, his hand trembling ever so slightly as it closed around the eggshell blue teacup that was resting on the kitchenette counter. "You don't understand. I need her to be safe, and happy."

"Safe? From what?"

"From myself," the other said miserably, and for the first time Ryan truly pitied him. Always living in guilt and self-loathing mustn't be easy; that was probably half the reason why Teresa was so determined to save him, quite apart from the fact that the bond they shared ran far deeper than that.

"That's why you didn't even try to show off on me, right? You wanted her to be out of your reach, so that you wouldn't end up losing her like what happened with your wife."

"Everything I touch ends up dead, one way or another. Teresa surely deserves better than that."

"She does, and that's exactly why I'm here."

There was a pause, as Jane stared at the bottom of his cup. "I should have stayed on my island, given her the chance to start a new life without me. It's just – I missed her so much."

"What you do with your life is your own business, but there's other people to take into account. Teresa is a woman in a million; she's put her entire life on hold for you, perhaps it's time you try and be a man for a change. If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for her."

With that he turned on his heels and walked out into the sun; he'd done everything that was in his power to ensure the happiness of the woman he loved, now it was out of his hands.

His house had never felt lonelier than when he stepped into it again. He'd called Jenny on his way back, and it didn't take her long to knock at the door; they sat side by side in silence, until he wrapped his arm around her shoulders, and she leaned her head against his chest.

"I'm sorry," she whispered at last. "I'm going to miss her too."

"It just wasn't meant to be, that's all."

"Well, you still have me – though I know it's not that much."

He turned to look her in the eyes, and a smile crept to his lips. "Don't ever say that again. You're the one who gave me the strength to keep going for all these years."

Jenny widened her eyes in disbelief. "Did I really?"

"Sure. You're my little sister, I had to look after you."

Her eyes sparkled with warmth and love. "Dear old Ryan. I think it's high time I start returning the favor."

They spent the rest of the day reminiscing about the happy moment they'd shared in the past, and he was actually grateful he had his sister by his side. He might or might not find another woman to love; but if there was one thing Teresa had taught him, it was that life always went on – and everybody deserved a second chance at it.

A few weeks later he received a letter from her. He smiled wistfully as he traced his fingertips along the graceful lines of her handwriting, then tore the envelope open to find a single sheet neatly folded in two.

_I want you to know that I never lied about my feelings for you. I was trying to run away from myself, while I should have known it would never work._

_I'm sorry for letting you down, I hope you'll be able to forgive me one day._

_Take care of yourself, will you?_

_Teresa_

Taking a deep breath he folded back the note and placed it on the mantelpiece. She didn't say she was happy, but he could easily read between the lines; that was the only thing that mattered, and it had to be enough.

Whistling a tune to himself he went back to working on the wooden miniature sailboat he was planning to give Jenny as a gift for her upcoming birthday.


End file.
